Five "killer I's": 1. Inflexible 2. Intimidating 3. Interrogating 4. Intolerant 5. Insistent.
In this second article of five, I address intimidation and what to do about it.
2 - Intimidating - This is the worst of the five because it diminishes others rather than builds them. The CACS leader that intimidates instills fear in others to motivate and control, and frequently demeans others along the way. Unfortunately, this behavior can be often characterized as straight-up bullying. I've observed and worked for several people who use intimidation as I am sure you have. The results for me have always been the same. When working for someone like this, I experience fear, self-doubt, insecurity, resentment, bitterness, anxiety, and anger.
At times, I've found the CACS leader who intimidates loathsome. What's amazing to me is that they will tell you in so many words, that they simply "don't care" (what you think of them). After having been the executive coach to this style of leader, I believe it to be true. They don't care about what you think of them and their behavior can have you believe they don't care about you. I have found though that behind the facade of brazen confidence and domination, most do care. It's a matter of priority. They care about getting the job done, what they are tasked with, and what failing would say about them first and foremost. Then, they care about you. Because they don't have any strong feelings about what you think, they think and act as if you don't have any strong feelings either. In their view, this grants them full permission to behave without regard to the emotional impact on others.
I coached an executive once who admitted that he would yell and scream at his staff using profanity. He explained that while he knew it was unprofessional, he couldn't help himself because they were all just so incompetent. I've found this to be a common rationale to justify intimidating behavior. The reasoning goes something like this... "If you would just do your job up to my standards, I wouldn't have to yell at you."
After having become a parent, I realized that I could get my child to do just about anything if I was intimidating enough. Fortunately, I also could see the emotional and psychological toll it would take on my son if I used intimidation to motivate and control him. Rather than kill his self-esteem, I decided to learn to parent in other ways. This is the same for leadership. Using intimidation that damages self-esteem is not needed and reveals a lack of discipline, entitlement, and a lack of mature leadership skills on the part of the leader that does it.
For the CACS Leader
You are not getting more out of your people by intimidating them. You are getting less. Fear activates the amygdala's fight, flight, or freeze response. Frightening your people may elicit compliance, but it comes at the cost of reducing their ability to think and behave competently.
If you are a CACS leader who is compelled to use intimidation to get the job done, consider and do the following:
Rather than intimidate, learn to appreciate to motivate. The belief that people will let up if you praise them is a false belief. Appreciation shows you're invested in your people and they, in turn, are invested in you and your mutual goals. Appreciation builds engagement and loyalty.
Handle your need for control. Your use of intimidation to control others masks your poor self-esteem and shields you from feedback and the criticisms of others. This creates a false reality in which virtually no one will tell you the truth or offers feedback to you that could help you grow. I'm aware of leaders that are lied to by their staff out of fear of repercussion if they were to know the truth. That's no way to run a successful business.
Handle your anger. Find a good coach or therapist. While you may think that your anger expressed to intimidate others makes you powerful, it just makes you a bully. While you might not care if anyone likes you, you negatively impact your business with this behavior. You don't have a right to ignore the research that shows unequivocally that the number one factor in retaining good talent is the quality of the relationship between employee and manager. To quote Brene Brown from her best selling book Dare to Lead, "When we stop caring what anyone thinks, we are too armored for authentic connection." It's impossible to have a good and strong trusting relationship with someone you fear or that fears you.
For the Employee
If you work for a CACS leader who routinely uses intimidation, here's my recommendation.
See their behavior for what it is - that of an undisciplined, emotionally immature, entitled bully. Don't make excuses for their behavior no matter how accomplished they are.
Accept that you're going to have to make the change. They're not likely to change. After all, intimidation has, for the most part, worked for them and they have little incentive to change. People who use intimidation are very strategic with who they intimidate. In my experience, they can show two faces - the intimidator to subordinates or to those they believe they can dominate, and the competent savvy collaborator to their superiors or those they want to gain favor with.
Remind yourself that you are as competent and intelligent as they are, no matter what they do or say. A common strategy to control you will be to undermine your confidence.
If you can make the choice to work with or for someone else, do it.
If you make the choice to continue working with them, learn how not to play their game. They thrive on your fear. Find ways to boost your confidence and sidestep their attacks. Lynn Curry in her book "Beating the Workplace Bully" provides useful techniques for getting out of their game.
Click here to go on to part 3 in the series on CACS leadership.