Five "killer I's": 1. Inflexible 2. Intimidating 3. Interrogating 4. Intolerant 5. Insistent.
In this fourth article of five, I address intolerance and what to do about it.
4 - Intolerant - When this describes the CACS leader, you are likely dealing with some form of acute narcissism. Intolerant behavior can show itself in a variety of ways manifesting as dismissal or outright aggression toward any style, approach, idea, behavior, or characteristic different than the leader. This often looks like the leader that marginalizes women, people of different ethnicities, differing personalities, working, thinking or communication styles, or others' thoughts, feelings, or ideas. I've witnessed leaders who routinely interrupt women or talk over those with less seniority.
I've worked with leaders who dismiss ideas before they even have a chance to be heard by addressing challenging topics with what I call "I dare you to challenge me" statements such as "I think we can all agree..." before making their point. If you do happen to voice your conflicting idea or perspective, they are quick to challenge you and your credibility. In my prior career over two decades ago as a physicist, I witnessed many times what I've termed "intellectual bullying" between scientists who went beyond a healthy debate and instead took pride in demeaning others with yelling and screaming while arguing their perspective. I've seen the same too often in corporate settings.
For the CACS Leader
If you recognize yourself as someone who's ideas, viewpoints, perspectives, behaviors, knowledge, and/or general being is better than most others, and you view one of your biggest challenges is the incompetent people around you, then you're an intolerant leader. Here are some recommendations for taking yourself off the pedestal long enough to be truly beneficial to those around you.
Rather than viewing the world as winners and losers, instead, look for wise ones and learners. If you've gotten this far and are genuinely considering the points in this article, then you believe in growth, learning, and improvement. If you're to be one of the wise ones, you first have to learn, and learning requires deeply listening to those who you would teach.
Get curious. No matter how smart you think you are, strive to learn. If those around you are not getting better and remain incompetent despite what you have theoretically taught them, that's on you. Somewhere either you missed what they needed to learn, or you have something to learn about teaching.
Ask for feedback. While it's probably the last thing you want to do, it is critical. First, you will learn how others are experiencing you. Second, you will be demonstrating the humility required to create a learning culture that will make everyone better. Recently, a colleague of mine shared the story of a leader who said he'd never received difficult feedback because he didn't give others an opening to give it. She indicated that he took pride in wearing that armor. Don't be that guy.
Share the floor. Give others a voice by allowing and encouraging them to speak and to lead. Don't be the first one to speak. Invite others to lead the conversation and/or own a meeting, topic, or agenda item.
For the Employee
If the description above sounds like a leader you know or work for, it's important to acknowledge the impact of their intolerant behavior on you. If you frequently engage with this style of leader, then you are likely to experience decreased confidence, lower productivity, decreased focus, higher levels of stress, anxiety, and/or lower self-esteem. This can have a lasting impact on you. Here are some ideas for how to cope.
See it for what it is - bullying. Validate your experience. Anyone who does not respect you or your input is not good for you or your career. If you don't do something to change the situation, it will take a toll and it may take a long time to recover from the trauma.
Learn about what you can do. There are several Ted Talks and books on workplace bullying and how to respond. Here are several book titles and authors for you to reference - "Beating the Workplace Bully: A Tactical Guide to Taking Charge," by Dr. Lynne Curry; "Backstabbers and Bullies: How to Cope with the Dark Side of People at Work," by Adrian Furnham; "The Bully-Free Workplace: Stop Jerks, Weasels, and Snakes from Killing Your Organization," by Gary Namie and Ruth F. Namie; "Workplace Bullying: How to Survive and Thrive with a Bully Boss," by David Leads.
Get out. PTSD from working for a bully for too long is real and a likely outcome. Do whatever you have to do to leave the situation and get help to process the trauma and recover your esteem.
Click here to go on to part 5 in the series on CACS leadership.